Although you will never see this, here are the things I never had the courage to say. The things that held us back but taught me what love really is in the process.
You never knew me. You may have known my favorite color or favorite hobby, but you never knew my soul. What I lay in bed thinking about every night when I go to bed. You never knew my worst fears or how I held back tears because when I opened up to you, I was pitied. You never knew the me who would sing at the top of her lungs in the car because you would never let me have the music loud. You never let me be the real me. I conformed to your expectations of who you wanted me to be, and lost myself in the process.
I never came during sex. I actually do feel really bad about lying about that, and you know I’m not one to lie, ever. But I felt so bad because you’d try so hard but I was no where near close….I have promised myself to never lie to another guy about orgasms. *insert me holding my hand up as if taking an oath.*
Moving on, I always knew I deserved better. This may sound conceded or like I think I’m better than you, and I don’t mean to say that you aren’t a good person. But after the first 6 months I knew that the way you were treating me was not how the love of your life should treat you. I got so involved and fell in love with who I thought you were that when I started to see the real you, I kept giving you second chances hoping that I would see that guy again. Even when I found you talking to other girls on Tinder and lying to me constantly, I came back to you. I know now that I was just so afraid that if I left you, I would never find anything better. I would never find someone to treat me better or be mine. Damn I was wrong. I met a guy about a month later and didn’t know him more than two weeks, and he knew me better than you did after all those years. Only two weeks and I found someone that treated me better than you. So I know theres hope.
I hated when you would ignore me when I was mad instead of trying to work it out. You never went the extra mile.
I hate that you let our spark fade even when I tried desperately to keep it alive.
I hate that you let me love you for three years knowing the whole time that we would not end up together. You wasted my time and broke my heart in the process. I could have been doing great things without you, but I believed in you, and you led me to believe we were meant to be together.
I loved you so much more than you know. I loved you to the ends of the earth and would’ve crossed oceans for you. I think if you knew how much I loved you, I would feel pathetic. You would have taken advantage, and I’m glad I kept that from you. I saved myself a lot of hurt. You have only confirmed my fears about men and made it harder for the next guy to get me to open up.
It’s sad really to know that our relationship wasn’t real. Maybe it was for you, but it was never me dating you. It was the closed-off version who tried to change to fit your expectations. I will never be that person again. I will never settle for anyone who won’t let me be my true self. It might be good that you don’t know these things. You don’t deserve these thoughts from me, anyway. Just know that you will never find a girl that loved and treated you as well as I did.
Put Yourself First 